Jan 112013
 

The opening passage from what is currently chapter ten of my upcoming book. At the moment in ‘first draft’ stage and un-edited…

I read a passage in Jon Richardson’s book It’s Not Me, It’s You:

I could quite happily get through a 40-year marriage without ever suspecting that my partner went to the toilet at all…”

I totally know where Jon was coming from. Totally. I’m all for sick and inappropriate jokes. Niggers, Pakis, the Welsh. All are fair game. Necrophillia, Peadophillia and the Welsh shagging sheep can be pretty funny in the right circles at the right time, but toilet talk? I just don’t. I’m very British about going to the toilet. One pretends one doesn’t. Of course, everyone shits. I’d just rather they didn’t and if they have to I’d rather they didn’t tell or show me. A wee I can deal with just. As long as the girl (or boy) I’m with is having a delicate tinkle and not pissing like a horse. I can even pee in public. In a wood on a long walk with friends as long as I’m behind the statutory tree. Shit is another thing altogether. A steaming pile of smelly turd that scrapes down the toilet pan leaving greasy streaks that needs to be removed as soon as possible. A lingering stink, from some people so bad one can almost taste it. Shit is awful!

Imagine then my horror, when dog-sitting for Elizabeth, (that’s Ee-Liz-A-Beth not Elizab’th) to find that not one toilet in her house had a loo brush. Just a bottle of bleach.

“Loo brushes are disgusting” she replied when I plucked up (from somewhere very deep inside) the courage to enquire why not.

“What the fuck! Greasy shit streaks over white porcelain aren’t?” I thought.

“Just put bleach down the pan” she carried on.

Yeah right, ‘cos that will clean the bowl in about, what? A day? As well as the dogs I was ’sitting’ I was also looking after two teenaged girls. I was horrified to think either one of them might use the bathroom after me, an inevitability, and find my horrid brown stains and know it was me and not the others sister. Even the Queen shits. I know that. It’s just that I doubt she advertises it or wants a phone-camera pic of her last one showing up on Twitter. I bet the Queen has a loo brush in every and each of her two hundred or so toilets across all of her estates.

Like the Queen, in my house, I have a loo brush in every toilet. All one of them. I, like Ee-Liz-A-Beth find them pretty disgusting but (unlike Elizabeth) a necessary evil. To reduce the vileness I have bleach in the container you put the brush in. That way I figure the brush is permanently being cleaned. Sure, it’s going to get shitty but at least I’m attempting to lessen the germs and vileness.

I’d loved Elizabeth for years. I mean really loved. Really really loved. Could I live in a house where the loo brush was banned, even for a short two weeks? I was going to find out. I wondered to myself, if things had been different, would Elizabeth and I have argued about loo brushes had we ever lived together in our own house. We had certainly discussed living together once-upon-a-time, we even discussed marriage! Who would have won? Would I have capitulated and lived in a loo brush free house, buying gallons of bleach on a weekly basis? I have no idea.

I’d love to know what you guys think… (Names have been changed to protect the guilty).


Nov 042010
 

From the Greek Ephebos (one arrived at puberty) Zṓion (animal) and Philia (love for or obsession for, sexually), Ephebozoophilia is the sexual desire to have sex with very young animals; those around an age that we’d usually refer to them as puppies or kittens.

A form of bestiality, ephebozoophilia is illegal in most countries except for Denmark. In the UK, Section 63 of the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008 (also known as the Extreme Pornography Act) outlaws images of a person performing or appearing to perform an act of intercourse or oral sex with an animal (whether dead or alive). Countries such as Belgium, Germany, and Russia are somewhere in between; they permit sexual activity with animals, but prohibit the promotion of animal-oriented pornography.

Until 2005 ephebozoophilia was still legal in the US state of Washington and the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador. However, after an incident on July 2, 2005, when a man was pronounced dead in the emergency room of the Enumclaw community hospital after having been sodomized by a pony, the state legislature of the State of Washington, which had been one of the few states in the United States without a law against bestiality, within six months passed a bill making bestiality illegal and Newfoundland and Labrador followed suit.

Little has been written or researched about ephebozoophilia as ephebophilia (which denotes men who prefer adolescents around 15–19 years of age) is not recognised officially in human to human relationships. It has been concluded at a scholarly level that “few would want to label erotic interest in late or even mid adolescents as a psychopathology”; by implication proving, (what most people, including doctors and judges already know), that most men are actually turned on by teens1.

Today, in Hungary, where production faces no legal limitations, ephebozoosexual materials have become a substantial industry that produces numerous films and magazines and in Japan, animal pornography is used to bypass censorship laws, often featuring Japanese and Russian female models performing fellatio on young animals, because oral penetration of a non-human penis is not in the scope of Japanese mosaic censor.

A recent case study2 centred around Atika Kurī from Sapporo, (capital of the Hokkaidō Prefecture in Japan), a film producer renowned for ephebozoosexual movies. Rather than produce traditional zoosexual films where the male animal penetrates a human female in some way, Kurī-san used male porn stars to penetrate puppies, foals, kids (young goats) and in one film even a young llama.

Although technically not illegal in Japan and in his target market of Equatorial Guinea in Africa, Kurī-san made an error in his cargo routing and some of his freight landed on US soil and was seized by customs. Kurī-san was subsequently investigated by customs and due to the shocking nature of what they found they informed PETA.

PETA took an unusual step and with the Humane Society of America investigated Kurī-san on his home soil. What they found was that Kurī-san was puppy farming and actually part of an underground furry (one who has an interest in and sexual desire for anthropomorphic animals (animals who have a human qualities be it simply talking or having a human-like body) network interested in neoteny (the retention, by adults in a species, of traits previously seen only in juveniles)). These extreme furries (Babyfurs)3 had been experimenting with home-brew genetics on the animal’s thyroid glands looking to create a state of progenesis (the attainment of sexual maturity by an organism still in its juvenile stage and having a secondary result of never experiencing later developmental stages so never achieving the adult form experienced by it’s evolutionary ancestors).

Although Japan is tolerant of most things sexually except for pubic hair, non-governmentally sanctioned genetic research and manipulation carries severe penalties and Kurī-san was tried and imprisoned for these offences.

It is widely believed (there is official documentation stating) that the results of Kurī-san’s successful genetic experiments were destroyed humanely. However, conspiracy theorists have remarked that a) some people in Sapporo and the surrounding areas have been attacked by puppy Chihuahuas approaching the size of a large Spaniel and that b) the Japanese government have been trying to reverse engineer Kurī-san’s experiments in the hope of creating a virus capable of carrying and transmitting the gene responsible for progenesis to humans via water borne parasites. It is interesting to note that although Japan remains a peaceful country since WW2 it still bears a cultural grudge against all foreigners especially those from China and North Korea.

1 – No citation needed

2 – Only approximate dates known

3 – See link: Babyfurs

Oct 272010
 

From the Greek Arachno (spider) and Philia (love for or obsession for, sexually) arachnophilia isn’t, as some people think, a sexual desire for all things spidery (that particular kink falls under octophilia with other eight legged creatures) but a male sexual desire to be eaten by the female after sex.

Normally enjoyed as a role-play paraphilia this fetish is closely related to anthropophagy (the practise of cannibalism) and vorarephilia (the desire to eat someone or be eaten either alive or whole; in one mouthful). However arachnophilia differs in so much as sex or the act of procreation has to be enacted beforehand. As a role-play men will often seek out far larger women than themselves and wear a suit made out of ham or other easily stitched together meat that the female can eat off of him once orgasm has been reached. In safe sex circles rubber knives and forks are often used to prevent accidental cutting or stabbing of the victims real flesh.

It is very much a domination fetish and as such safe-words should be decided on beforehand to stop things from moving out of the sub’s comfort zone. The Webster’s dictionary actually describes it as an extreme fetish.

In it’s most extreme form arachnophilia is only ever acted out once by the male sub and there are rumoured to be underground forums where males can seek out large and willing females prepared to consume their flesh. This practise is illegal in all countries apart from Lithuania where cannibalism was never seen as a realistic enough1 crime to be noted in their statutory laws.

During the early 1990’s as the world wide web expanded and paraphiles realised that they could ply their wares there quite anonymously Lithuania saw a huge influx of immigrants eager to exist in a country where the standard of living was quite high, the scenery was beautiful and cannibalism was legal.

The most publicised account of arachnophilia centred around Heidi Alutnarat and Frau Redips, both originally from Germany when they set up residence in Czechoslovakia after they were both widowed.

Similar to the inspiration behind Eli Roth’s movie Hostel (an internet site offering humans for slaughter for cash) Alutnarat and Redips set up an underground website targeting arachnophiles.

Many men were taken for a spin as Frau’s Redips and Alutnarat’s web of deceit gained notoriety amongst arachnophiles world-wide. As many of these men with such a bizarre fetish lived in recluse and used pseudonyms online it has been difficult for the authorities to ascertain how many men the evil Frau’s got their fangs into but it has been estimated to be in the low hundreds2.

Although people with a purely vanilla outlook to sex would view arachnophilia as a tragic antic in itself, not only did Redips and Alutnarat offer death for sale, to the arachnophile they offered a service that was far less than they promised: Once the widows had lured the men into their lair they apparently butchered them without sex beforehand and then sold them on to the Czech meat market as cuts of pork, salami’s or meat pies.

The two women were arrested in October 2006 and after trial were sentenced to death by firing squad. Their execution was carried out in November 20083. Apparently their website remained online for a few months following their arrest but was taken down by the Czech authorities. A sound bite of the trial was available on a paraphile forum for a while but has not been seen or heard of for quite some time now.

1, 2 & 3 Citation needed.